I can see clearly now


Friday, February 5, 2016

OK it's been a long while since I posted something on this site. I haven't been in denial just that I was involved in a very damaging relationship for a while and neglected my own feelings and clung on too long.

I suppose being 60 and having Parkinson's was one of the reasons I was clinging onto this man as I was beginning to feel old and that no-one would be interested in me. However like the India Arie song;
 "I am not my hair I am not this skin I am not your expectations no I am not my hair I am not this skin I am the soul within".

I am not my Parkinson's nor am I the person who clung to a man who had the habit of living off women and then hated them for it. I am also convinced that one of the drugs I was on changed my thinking a little and made me more obsessive (a well known side effect of this drug). When the moment of clarification arrives and finally you can escape the complex mess of a bad relationship it is liberating.

Liberating yes but nevertheless it takes a while for the strength to return completly and the 'bad  days' make it even harder. Today as you may have guessed is a bad day. Stiff, sore, slow to move and down was how I woke up this morning - feelings that of course I fight against and hate but, then again I do indulge a little as I think - Fuck I've got Parkinson's I can have a little angry cry now and then.

Recently I went to a new neurologist - second opinion, just turned sixty, have been diagnosed for 10 years so it's part of the new plan. He said that I looked fabulous and that my Parkinson's was moving at a glacially slow pace. I am either lucky or I am doing something right. He made me feel great but I still have these days when it all feels too much. Fortunately however I still can pull myself out of them.

So I think people who have chronic problems such as Parkinson's become experts in survival - bouncing back and continuing on regardless of aches and pains or lack of sleep. Maybe we become a bit too impatient at others who complain of aches and pains as you just want to say you have no idea or give me a break.

Back to breaking up aches and pains when you are sixty with Parkinson's. You would think by sixty one would be over all this and I think I am nearly there but I love the intimacy of being a couple. I had a wonderful husband who died 6 years ago so know how good it can be and then mistakenly fell for a charming, charismatic, penniless fraud (as recently discovered was not penniless). We did have fun but it all became too difficult and added to my health problems due to unnecessary stress and of course depression and feelings of inadequacy.

But NO LONGER - gone, over and I am emerging again and determined to continue to take this Parkinson's by the horns and not let it defeat me.
I am back to yoga, swimming, meditating and thinking and spending positive time alone - started drawing classes and planning an exciting holiday.

Maybe when I become myself again something may happen! In the meantime I have closed all my online dating site profiles and am going out into that wonderful big wide world.

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