I can see clearly now


Thursday, August 4, 2016


I am angry, upset and need to take it out on someone so i thought the best thing To do was write. As you know I have Parkinson's and have now been diagnosed for over ten years. I exercise, do Feldenkrais, yoga, walk and anything else that will help me cope. I have a 20 year old daughter who I have raised on my own since her father died 7 years ago. He was sick for many years and went through a transplant before he succumbed to liver cancer. Yes it has been a difficult ride but financially I am ok and do have a good life. It is, however at times difficult and I do get down, stiff sore and sick of the struggle and constant need to be vigilant that I am not letting the Parkinson's 'take over'.

My daughter is not perfect, in fact we do argue a lot over her lack of assistance around the house etc etc but she is my only child and I love her unconditionally. Since my husband ( he was of Italian origin) died she has not really kept up the contact with her Italian family even though I have tried. I reached out again recently to try and heal the wounds only to be told that her behaviour is partly my fault for not being stricter etc etc. Of course she was compared with somebody else's model child.

All I have to say is:



Friday, February 5, 2016

OK it's been a long while since I posted something on this site. I haven't been in denial just that I was involved in a very damaging relationship for a while and neglected my own feelings and clung on too long.

I suppose being 60 and having Parkinson's was one of the reasons I was clinging onto this man as I was beginning to feel old and that no-one would be interested in me. However like the India Arie song;
 "I am not my hair I am not this skin I am not your expectations no I am not my hair I am not this skin I am the soul within".

I am not my Parkinson's nor am I the person who clung to a man who had the habit of living off women and then hated them for it. I am also convinced that one of the drugs I was on changed my thinking a little and made me more obsessive (a well known side effect of this drug). When the moment of clarification arrives and finally you can escape the complex mess of a bad relationship it is liberating.

Liberating yes but nevertheless it takes a while for the strength to return completly and the 'bad  days' make it even harder. Today as you may have guessed is a bad day. Stiff, sore, slow to move and down was how I woke up this morning - feelings that of course I fight against and hate but, then again I do indulge a little as I think - Fuck I've got Parkinson's I can have a little angry cry now and then.

Recently I went to a new neurologist - second opinion, just turned sixty, have been diagnosed for 10 years so it's part of the new plan. He said that I looked fabulous and that my Parkinson's was moving at a glacially slow pace. I am either lucky or I am doing something right. He made me feel great but I still have these days when it all feels too much. Fortunately however I still can pull myself out of them.

So I think people who have chronic problems such as Parkinson's become experts in survival - bouncing back and continuing on regardless of aches and pains or lack of sleep. Maybe we become a bit too impatient at others who complain of aches and pains as you just want to say you have no idea or give me a break.

Back to breaking up aches and pains when you are sixty with Parkinson's. You would think by sixty one would be over all this and I think I am nearly there but I love the intimacy of being a couple. I had a wonderful husband who died 6 years ago so know how good it can be and then mistakenly fell for a charming, charismatic, penniless fraud (as recently discovered was not penniless). We did have fun but it all became too difficult and added to my health problems due to unnecessary stress and of course depression and feelings of inadequacy.

But NO LONGER - gone, over and I am emerging again and determined to continue to take this Parkinson's by the horns and not let it defeat me.
I am back to yoga, swimming, meditating and thinking and spending positive time alone - started drawing classes and planning an exciting holiday.

Maybe when I become myself again something may happen! In the meantime I have closed all my online dating site profiles and am going out into that wonderful big wide world.